Almost, nearly, very close, but not quite

Boxing day test. Melbourne. 2006. Attendance 89,150 - just a little short of the record of 90,800 when the West Indies played here in '61. I suspect a lot of half-interested locals decided to stay put at home, given that it's still bloody cold and wet here. The lowest Christmas temperatures since 1935, Hoopy discovered. It is, of course, scheduled to improve by ten degrees the day after we leave.

Still, we did witness three milestones - Shane Warne took his 700th test wicket (Strauss), Kevin Pietersen reached 2000 test runs and it's the 100th test match at the MCG. Shame Pietersen's runs weren't all in one innings, as once again (for the bloody third time this series) we've been knocked over by the Aussies for 150-odd.

Hoopy is absolutely convinced, and I'm inclined to agree with him, that Rudi Koertzen has a grudge against the English. Another shocking decision yesterday against us, then two appeals against Australia go unrewarded. Probably another bloody colonial with a chip on his shoulder, though one would image his angst being with the Dutch rather than the British, what with him being South African with a name like Koertzen? Guess we're the closest European team that plays test cricket.

Christmas Day didn't improve much. I finished my washing, Hoopy did his then we both crashed and watched Simpsons for an hour or so. Deciding that probably wasn't the most productive way to spend our time, we wandered down to the casino for Christmas dinner - scallops, roast turkey and all the trimmings - though Hoopy moaned about the lack of sprouts. Strange boy. Sadly, it didn't prove event-changing in any other respect and after a couple of hours we wandered back to the hotel and spent another 5 or 6 hours with Bart et al.

Laugh of the day yesterday came courtesy of a Chubb (who also happened to be chubby) security guard at the ground. When I asked him if he knew if the attendance record had been broken or not, he simply replied "don't know mate. There sure do seem like a lot of folk here though. Who's playing?"

Aarrggghhhhh.

So, cricket remains as shit as ever, but like I said to Hoopy, we must take the positives out of the trip. He asked me what they were and I explained that coming second was a good achievement (one extremely well rewarded, in my experience, if you can manage it in the bedroom) and it was the taking part that mattered. Cobblers, obviously.

One good thing - I've lost some weight on this trip. I know this as my trousers keep falling down. It's either down to weight loss or a natural trouser reaction to the multitude of scantily-clad totty there is about the place. Though thinking about it, that can't be the reason here in Melbourne because it's cold, wet and generally shit. Had I mentioned that before? ;-)

I'm doing a day trip tomorrow (Thursday), which will just leave Friday here, which also happens to be Hoopy's birthday - send emergency messages of glad tiding (or women) to the Hotel Y on Elizabeth Street, Melbourne. Fax number +61 3 9329 1469, room 405.

We have a few spare days in Sydney and I'm seriously considering going back to Tasmania. We'll see.

Time to wander down to the MCG for day two and see if we can knock these Aussies over.