We must be home

Okay, Okay. I know I've been away for two months (and one day). I know I've spent far too much money (but we've had a bloody good time on it). I know that I've not always been the best boy in the world in the past. But surely nothing I've done wrong deserves the reception we've received back home - gale force winds, sideways rain and surface water absolutely fu*king everywhere?

Like the man said tho', better get used to it son, 'cos it looks like it's here to stay. Sigh. Even one of the trees on the hillside wood opposite the mill gave up earlier and came crashing down before our eyes. RIP.

Still, before more whinging about life back in UKLand, there's the last couple of days in Hong Kong to catch up on.

Stanley market on Monday was OK; not nearly as much fun as doing deals in Mong Kok, but the town was a nice enough place to spend a few hours. Ali & I met Hoopy down there about mid-day and stayed for about 3 hours before heading back over to Kowloon to go see tailor George for my fittings. Everything pretty much spot on first time there, so 'twas only 15 minutes or so before we once again met at the Peninsula for another couple of G&T's.

We stayed Kowloon side for the evening, grabbing a quick burger at MickeyD's for less than HK$45 (£3) for the three of us before heading off to show Hoopy the Mong Kok market (sadly no invitations to dubious residences to view counterfeit goods this time, tho' we still managed to acquire a couple of nice Bvlgari and Gucci watches by way of young female 'runners' from a couple of the stalls) before heading to Temple Street and the night market. Pretty much Mong Kok under floodlight and a little bit of an anti-climax to be honest.

Monday evening saw us taking up residence at the local Irish pub in Nathan Road, where we got chatting to a guy called Mark from Los Angeles who's spent the last quarter of his life living and working around Asia. Fairly eclectic conversation ensued for the rest of the evening, covering topics such as sport, President Goofy & Prime Minister Arselicker and the very heterogeneous culture of the Japanese. Perhaps understandably after that lot, alcohol finally got the better of us (well, me, anyway) around midnight.

Tuesday we once again made for Kowloon before lunch (at TGI Friday's, walking along the "avenue of stars" on the way) so I could pick up my new rags from George and grab a couple of bits from the nearby electronics store. Weighed under with English Wool, Italian silk and Sony's latest, we made our way back over to Hong Kong Island and to our respective hotels to pack. That done, we got glammed up (sadly [luckily?], no photographic evedince of our beauty that evening exists as the camera battery died) and headed down to Aberdeen for a most excellent evening aboard the Jumbo floating restaurant, who can count amongst their 30 million previous customers no less than John Wayne and Queen Lizzy herself. Most excellent fodder and blow-your-head-off cocktails consisting of Vodka, Cointreau, Southern Comfort, Cassis and Orange Juice of which Ali had two. Greedy cow.

Come 23:00, it was once again time to jump in a taxi (my Cantonese got no better the whole holiday - they all understood my less than acceptable English) and head home. Only this time it really was heading home, as it was back to the hotels, a quick 3 hour snooze then to the airport for the long flight back to London.

We took off half an hour late (Chinese air traffic control problem, apparantly), but pretty much made up the time and touched down 13 uncomfortable hours later at 14:00 British time in the cold at Heathrow. Black cab dash to sister-in-law Carol's to get the car, then a 4 hour journey back to Devon arriving at Chateau Lemmings at 22:00 after depositing Hoopy at his gaff on the way.

So there you have it. 33 blog entries down and that's Australia and Hong Kong done. Something a little less challenging looms next (we already knew we'd need a holiday to get over this one) - as things stand at the moment, 8 of us are heading over to the Balearics sometime in April/May for a few days of sun kissed lazing.

Meantime, there's work to be done and bills to pay. I've got three more "days off" (though I've already spent about 7 hours catching up on work admin & emails) before placing the snot container back against the spinning granite slab on Monday. Sleep will doubtless factor somewhere along the way, as will a few pints over at the Presse. Rude not to show one's face fairly soon given the length of absence, don't you think?

It's been, er, fun (I think) keeping this diary. It'll certainly prove useful to me in times to come, when I've forgotton everything we did over the past couple of months!

And I really need to say a big thank-you to Hoopy, who's made this holiday much more fun and entertaining that it might otherwise have been - that is of course when he's not been totally frustrating and a pain in the arse ;-). Cheers mate - people are going to be really unhappy that we've come back friends! Nothing for the village gossips - I promise not to tell them your big secret if you don't tell them mine...

Right now, that's it. Unlikely to be anything new here now for the next few days/months/years depending on what happens. So I'll leave you with a picture of Hoops & I that Ali took at Warner Brothers in Queensland back in November (God that seems *soooo* long ago...) which brings things nicely to a close:

Until the next time, farewell!

The Wrong Day in Hong Kong

I see that Friday the 13th fell on a Saturday this month. How very rude.

Time is flying by at an extremely rapid rate. We spent a fairly decent last couple of days in Sydney - the trip up into the Blue Mountains was excellent - we visited Leura, went in the skyway cable car and descended into the rain forest on the scenic railway - the world's steepest railway, at one point being a 52 degree incline. Originally donkey powered and used to bring the coal up from the old mines, it's now electric driven and shunts visitors up and down to the forest floor. After that, we lunched at the RSL (ex-servicemans) club in Katoomba before returning to Sydney via a wildlife park where there were albino Kangaroos bouncing around, not to mention an extremely lazy Crocodile. Stupid thing didn't move an inch all the time we were there.

Thursday we took the ferry across Sydney harbour to Manly - a much, much, much better beach than Bondi - IMHO anyway - though bloody busy and not somewhere I personally would spend very much time. The smaller beach at the wharf was much more my cup of tea. Bloody good fish restaurant as well, Hoopy tucking into Lemon Sole whilst I had quite possibly the biggest salmon fillet ever served. Yum.

Come the evening, the time came to climb the bridge. We checked in around 18:30 and started to get kitted out a little after 19:00. Having done the pre-climb briefings, we ventured out onto the bridge around 19:40 - a perfect time, as it was just starting to think about getting dark. You walk along the internals of the bridge for a couple of hundred metres before popping out (between two lanes of highway!) by the vertical climb ladders to get to the arch itself. This process was by far the hardest bit - there's lots of *small* gaps that you need to squeeze through, which is not terribly straightforward for someone 6'6" (198.12cm) and 250lbs (113Kg) like myself, but hey ho I managed. Once on the arch itself, it's easy. Just like walking up a (very gentle) staircase.

The view from the summit is breathtaking - by the time we got there it was dark and, like most cities, Sydney looks fantastic by neon. We spent 10 minutes or so at the top having photos etc. before then descending via the other arch and re-tracing our steps back to the changing rooms. All in all the climb lasted about 3.5 hours - and is definitely on the "must do" list for anyone visiting Sydney.

Friday was travel day. A very relaxed start for us - we didn't even get up until 10:00 (by which time Ali had been in the air from London for an hour!) - taking our time to pack (cases are starting to burst at the seams now - we've both spent far too much money) before heading off to the airport. Straightforward flight into Hong Kong (but on a Boeing rather than an Airbus, so extremely noisy) followed by a HK$470 cab ride to the hotels. We dropped Hoopy off first at the Renaissance Harbour View (in the Wan Chai district and extremely posh - God knows what he's doing there), before I carried on to the less posh Novotel Century in the Western District, where Ali had been ensconced in the room for 4 hours already.

Keen not to waste the very limited time we have here in HK, we were up reasonably early (considering we were all bloody knackered) on Saturday and headed straight to the shops, wanting to check out 'proper' prices before hitting the markets over the next couple of days. We spent a few hours in and around Pacific Place in the Admiralty district; Ali especially in her element wandering around the top brand stores. Didn't spend too much (money is much better spent in the markets) but couldn't turn down Reebok trainers for 12 quid a pair.

Saturday night we had a couple of beers at Hoopy's hotel, but then had to leave as I was about to insert a microphone up the singer's arse sideways. She had, quite possibly, the most unsuitable repertoire ever for a screech-kitten (including Dylan songs, for fuck sake!) not to mention a pianiast who makes the bald chap off the Letterman show look talented. Ugh. Anyhow, we headed right next door to JJ's bar in the Grand Hyatt, which was much more civilised, though somewhat lacking in illumination and atmosphere. Plenty of staff mind you, including the three that shuttle you to-and-from the toilet, not to mention the chap IN the toilet who turns the taps on and off, presses the button to get you soap and hands you a pressed linen towel to dry your hands. I was somewhat relieved to discover that he offers no assistance during the passing phase itself...

Ali and I headed back around 21:30, leaving Hoopy to his own devices which, as usual, proved rather too explosive and involved the location of a British pub (The Horse & Groom) and the consumption therein of mucho piss (which is what every Australian calls what they call beer and we call lager). Therefore on Sunday, obviously, Hoopy stayed in bed all day.

Whilst he was catching up on zeds, Ali and I crossed the harbour on the Star Ferry to Kowloon and hit the streets, starting with the Apliu Street flea market before heading into a market proper in Mong Kok. Wow! Anything you could possibly want (apart from Jules' handbag, which apparantly is too new to be available - sorry Chandi). Not only is anything and everything non-branded hanging up to buy, but should you spot (and it's not hard to do) a catalogue on the trader's table, you can browse through for branded products of your choice. Should you show an interest (and we did, often), you're escorted into a nearby building and up into an apartment which is simply a collection of rooms filled, floor-to-ceiling, with handbags, watches, wallets, jewellery etc. etc. As I said to Ali, this would be extremely frightening if you didn't a) speak English or Cantonese or b) hadn't read in a guidebook that this is the expected process. A quality experience - we grabbed loads and for bugger all really. I was barganing hard (NEVER pay the quoted price) and usually managed to get 30-50% off their already discounted prices. In one instance, I got a $280 bag down to $150, which is a UKLand tenner. If you're reading this, Mandy, that's your daughter taken care of!

After doing that for a few hours, we were pretty exhausted and headed off to the uber-posh Peninsula Hotel for drinks. The hotel is stunning and has just taken delivery of 14 new Rolls Royce motor cars (all painted British racing green) to ferry their guests around. No wonder this was the place the Japanese took over as their HQ in WWII. After an hour nursing down a couple a couple of G&T's (and enjoying yet more 'personal services' in the toilets) we left to go and see my new mate George at La Elite tailors to get measured up for some new clobber. Going back later today for the fittings, with my stuff then being ready lunchtime tomorrow. Excellent.

Now we're off to meet Hoopy at Stanley Street market. Look out traders, I'm on my way.

Sorting Out

Just a couple of days left in Sydney (& Australia) now, so it's been time to sort out matters administrative - laundry, money, shopping, packing etc. prior to Hong Kong.

Aside from that, we've not done much the last couple of days -- we ventured out to Bondi Beach for a few hours yesterday -- nice to get a tick on the form (and a couple of photos of lovely ladies), but to be honest it's pretty underwhelming. We have better beaches with far superior surroundings within a few miles of home. We're going to check out the beach at Manly on Thursday - hopefully that'll be a bit more inspiring!

Hoopy took himself off for a few hours this morning to go up the Sydney Tower (the second highest in the Southern Hemisphere, apparently) whilst I took the opportunity to catnap as I did not sleep well last night for some reason.

Tonight sees our last cricket - the Twenty20 international. Could we possibly get to see England win a game on this tour? We'll see.

Tomorrow we're off on another blue-rinse bus tour, this time visiting the blue mountains and a few other places en route. Our last planned activity is the harbour bridge climb on Thursday evening, after which I suspect we'll down a few beers and crash as Friday we're up, out, in the air and meeting Ali in Hong Kong.

Over a week

How the hell it can be the 7th of January already I have no idea. We've been in Sydney for over a week now and time's flown by. Not that we've actually *done* that much since we've been here, but the seemingly never-ending social commitments have conspired not only to keep us active but also to steal many morning hours. This time next week we'll be having our second breakfast in Hong Kong and two weeks from now we'll have been back in UKLand for 4 days. Sigh.

Everyone in Australia thinks I'm older than Hoopy. It was bad enough in Melbourne when I kept getting my beer served in a Jug (Hoopy always getting a straight glass), but the icing on the cake was last night when Giles announced that had he not been told otherwise, he would have said I was the older. Sigh. Oh well, at least I'll get people giving up their seats on the bus for me before too long.

Thursday night with Sue & Bob Barter was fun, as was Friday's show at the Opera House. We didn't do very much yesterday other than shopping (we're obviously getting very in touch with our feminine sides) and an entire loop of the city on the monorail. Ended up down at the waterside pub (again) down in Darling Harbour about 19:30 where followed the continual supply and consumption of various beverages for many hours. I ducked out about 01:30 - Hoopy & Gilesleft at 02:30, with Giles heading off to bed and Hoops back to Cheers bar to watch the Liverpool-Arsenal FA cup game. He got in about 07:00, announced he felt wide awake then promptly crashed and was still driving them home when I left the hotel a couple of hours ago. No doubt he'll wake up at some point today. He's bound to be in a bad mood mind you, apparently Arsenal won 3-1. Which will make the real Ian Chandler very happy indeed.

Nothing else to report, so time for some photos from New Year's Eve, two of which, obviously, are just a massive ego trip for Hoopy:

A couple from dinner with Sue & Bob:

And finally a couple to prove to Chandler that we really aren't in a hotel in Bognor:

Cloned

Got a text message from Virgin yesterday suggesting that my credit card had shown some 'unusual' spending and could I please get in touch. I did so and it would appear that some sneaky bastard fuck of an Australian has, at some point, cloned the thing. Fortunately, the amounts involved are not huge (~200 quid) and I have zero liability for the fraudulent transactions. Apparently, I purchased some stuff in a Home Depot somewhere in the American mid-west yesterday, whilst at the same time purchasing some confectionery in York, England (both very hard to do when you're in Sydney, Australia at the time) and placing an order on the Internet to a company called Marlo (sounds like a 1970's porn star), whoever they are.

The funniest thing was that they guy at the bank was reading the list of dubious transactions to me and highlighted one for "BP in St Helens". I had to laugh - it would seem that scousers are trusted nowhere on the planet! As it happens, that was a perfectly legitimate spend, this particular St Helens being in North East Tasmania.

Full marks to Virgin - problem identified and rectified within 2 hours. Of course, the card has been cancelled which means I'm without, but it doesn't really cause me any problem. I've still got a couple of bank accounts to pilfer. In any event, it's not like I'm going to be without it long as Ali is coming to Hong Kong next week to meet us on our way home so can bring the replacement with her. Contact her to place your orders for contraband...

S'funny about the card incident really - just the other day I was reading Phil's post about his being cloned and thought at the time I was probably in a minority having had the things for 18 years now and never a problem. Oh well. I'm far too relaxed for it to even register on the radar.

Once again, I've ducked out of cricket today (our new mate Giles swapped some dosh for my ticket last night) to go wandering. Spent the morning chilling out around Darling Harbour prior to taking a water taxi round under the Harbour Bridge to the Opera House. Very nice lunch on Circular Quay (I heartily recommend a glass or two of New Zealand Bay Hill Chardonnay by the way) then a wander back up through the botanic gardens and the NSW State Library, which presently has an exhibition running dedicated to those silly sods who, having been sent here (for free!) from England decided to try and escape. Fools.

Tonight is dinner with Sue & Bob Barter so I'd better go put my posh frock on. Can't be having the clients thinking I'm a scruff now can we? Oh hang on. They already know this to be true. Ripped jeans and t-shirt it is then...

Hoops he did it again

"I feel like a c*nt" were Hoopy's first words to me yesterday. Whether this was a statement of mental situation or a physical desire I'm not quite sure, though I suspect the former as the words were uttered with regard to the fact that he'd missed the first day's cricket at Sydney by being asleep. Mind you, that was understandable given that the dirty stopout didn't get in until about 2 hours past daylight on Tuesday morning, having spent about 8 hours in Cheers overnight watching three UK premiership soccer games and therefore consuming a larger number than normal of the associated beverages.

Being a much more sensible person (not to mention bleeding knackered after NYE and a general lack of sleep over the past week or so), I retired gracefully at midnight and therefore did get up and head off to the SCG for the first day's play. My gound report? Well, once you're seated the ground looks great. Not quite as intimate as Adelaide, but retaining much of the English county ground feel, with the striking city skyline as a backdrop behind the member's pavilion.

Unfortunately, that's where the good vibe begins and ends. The area behind the stands within the ground's boundary are tiny, requiring you to participate in a gridlocked queuing system anytime one requires something so mundane as a pee, drink or, most importantly, a traditional Aussie meat pie. Worse, the policepersons here have absolutely zero sense of humour (the female officers being of the fat lesbian miserable bitch variety in particular) and, the piece de resistance, you can't leave the ground and come back in. Zero passout policy they call it - I call it complete and utter bollocks. I've paid for a day's ticket, who the fuck do these wankers think they are telling me I can't them come and go as I please? Obviously they don't have the intelligence to realise that letting people out of the ground at lunch would not only ease their internal congestion problems but also have people in a much happier mood, thus reducing the likelyhood of one of thier stewards being inserted in the horiontal up the (doubtless already stretched) anus of another. Grrr.

On a lighter note, Hoopy has bumped into yet another friend from back home - this time Grenville from Buckland Brewer. Not planned at all - he literally walked in front of us in Hyde Park the first day we were here. So that's two meets to Hoopy against my one. And just when I thought I had I chance of getting even, having arranged to meet the lovely Sue (who works at a client site and is also here for a holiday) and her husband for dinner tomorrow evening, it turns our that Hoopy plays darts withBob back home and so will tag along to make the score 3-2.

Fun night last night - back in Cheers (I'm starting to notice a trend with our evening entertainment) where we managed to get loads more pictures of girls (Hoopy having his 40th birthday has certain advantages - seems nobody can resist 'making his day'!) and also met up with a damn decent chap called Giles from Plymouth, who already knows the legend of Kenny Wheeler. These events conspired, as usual, to ensure that we drank far more than intended with the net result that we both overslept this morning. Never mind - we'll go to cricket after lunch...

Monday

Happy New Monday. Another year bites the dust. Has anyone else noticed that "2007" backwards is "7002", or is that just me?

New Year's eve in Sydney is highly recommended - "junior" fireworks down by the Opera House & Harbour Bridge at 9pm, followed by the real deal (which we watched from the other side of the river, meaning you can take in all 5 riverside displays at once) at midnight. Got some OK photos of the pyrotechnics and some bloody excellent ones of many, many scantily clad girls. Not for my gratification of course - Hoopy insisted. Copies will doubtless find their way to the Chandler residence as well...

It would appear that our timing has once again proved accidentally exceptional - this year's fireworks were the most expensive ever as the harbour bridge is celebrating its 75th birthday. For sure we picked the right year to visit the places we've been.

We're already into our third day here. Time flies when you're getting pissed. Hoopy had the window seat on the flight up from Melbourne and I instructed him to take a photograph as soon as we left the ground. He did so, meaning that I now have a permanent memory of the view of Melbourne I like the most - behind me!

So far we've done the usual touristy thing of wandering around, photographing the bridge (which we're climbing in 10 days - eek!) and the Opera House, visiting the Australian National Maritime Museum in Darling Harbour etc. etc. Of course, it is illegal to be here without actually catching a show at the opera house, so we're going to see 'The White Album concert'on Friday night. One of my favourite albums (though I still like Revolver best so far as The Beatles go), so should be a blast.

Exercising a little delicate footwork on the clutch (bit of a session last night...), I think we're dropping down a gear today. Liverpool FC are playing their New Year's Day match later which is being televised live here (23:30 kick off) and Hoopy wants to go and watch that at Cheers Bar, which endeared itself to us very nicely thank you on Saturday. We also have our last scheduled hotel move in Australia, basing ourselves in Chinatown for the next 12 days, so a bit of relax-a-vous over the next few hours is called for.

The final test match kicks off tomorrow, so we're going to be ensconced at the SCG for a couple of days. Hopefully it might last a bit longer than that, but given England's woeful performances to date, I'd be surprised if this one gets past day four. In any event, I'm going to bugger off for a few days on Saturday (the 6th, 7th and 8th represent my only window of opportunity around everything else we already have planned) so would miss day five were it to happen anyway. Still undecided as to where I'm going - a return to Tasmania is still near the top of the list, but I'm also looking at visiting Canberra, flying up to Cairns and doing the barrier reef, going over to Uluru or even a flying (obviously - it's a long way to swim) visit across to New Zealand, if only to collect another stamp in the passport. Knowing me, I'll make my final decision mid-way through the gig on Friday night.

Off again

We had a good trip down the Great Ocean Road today. The journey itself was a little tedious at times (I reminded myself just how much I *hate* long distance bus travel), but the content was interesting and well presented by our driver. The southern Victoria coastline is impressive indeed, and by way of adding another little tick on the 'things wot I have done this holiday' form, I went up in a helicopter over the twelve apostles and London bridge rock, which was kinda neat. Transpires that the folk who were stranded on London Bridge when it's link to the mainland collapsed were not at all happy about the publicity surrounding their rescue - they were not supposed to be there - at least not together!

Fantastic time at Dracula's cabaret restaurant last night - highly recommended. We met with Alison and Kevin, a couple of ex-pats who now reside in new Zealand and are just visiting Melbourne for a couple of days. Given it was officially going to be Hoopy's birthday only 45 minutes after the show finished, the four of us continued drinking at a local bar for another couple of hours. Most enjoyable, though could have done with not having to be up at 06:30 this morning.

Speaking of getting up, tomorrow's worse. We have to be at Tullamarine for an 08:30 flight to Sydney, so it's a 05:30 start. Ugh.

Things that have impressed me about Melbourne :


* The nice people at the MCG replaced the Ashes fleece I purchased in Adelaide that had crapped up in the wash.

* Dracula's Cabaret Restaurant - bloody marvellous.

Things that have not impressed me about Melbourne:

* Everything else


Next stop Sydney.

Happy Birthday Hoopy!

Happy 40th Birthday Hoopy!

Debate

If you're just after the usual mundane claptrap about life, the universe and our 2 month, 1 day piss-up in Australia, you'd be advised to scroll down 5 paragraphs...

After another dismal day for England at the MCG yesterday, Hoopy and I decided to escape downtown Melbourne last night and wandered up to Fitzroy, where we found a damn decent boozer and settled down for the evening. After a couple of pints of Toohey's New, the conversation wandered from the mundane to the in-depth and back again many times and we spent a good three hours discussing philosophy, religion, spirituality, Darwinism, creationism and all that jazz.

We've had several of these conversations before and whilst we agree on some elements of what could, at its base level be defined as "belief", we're a few degrees apart when it comes to "God", who or whatever that may be. For many years, I would have described myself as a "strong atheist", though these days perhaps I'd be better described as a "strict agnostic" - the scientist in me suggests this to be better as we simply cannot know whether "God" exists or not, rather than the atheist view which states, matter-of-factly, the "God" does not exist. Perhaps I'm just hedging my bets as I get older!

Whichever way you spin the coin, ultimately I believe that it is one's belief in oneself that allows us to move on as humans. Darwin stated that 'it is not the strongest or most intelligent who survive, but those who are most adaptive to change' and there is much mileage in this.

Of course, what drives the inner beings' desire to change is, in itself, a contentious issue. Many would say that following a "leader's" move to change would classify as belief in that entity and could therefore accurately be defined as a ''religion'. The problem comes, of course, when the masses blindly follow the "leader" and allow logic, common sense, thousands of years of evolution and one's inner conscience to be ignored. It can be argued (and I do!) that such "fanatical religion" is the underlying cause of much of the world's strife and if people were to take a step back and look to one's inner-self rather than maintaining a blind belief in someone/thing that has never yet been proven to exist, we'd all be a bloody site better off. This of course is where we cross the line between religion and spirituality. That's another box of frogs entirely and something for another day. I can point you in the direction of James Redfield's The Celestine Prophecy by way of an excellent text to get you started thinking about all this stuff, if you're one built of broad mind and intellectual independence, of course.

The carencia can provide an interesting analogy here. In bullfighting, the carencia is the part of the ring where the bull feels safest and the place where he will return time and time again when injured or threatened. He believes it to be a place of sanctuary whereas, of course, each time he returns there he exposes himself to ever increasing danger ultimately leading to his demise. Could the carencia be justifiably accepted as the bull's "religion"?

- - - - - - -

Anyhow, enough of that. Our plans for the next couple of days have changed a little since Boxing day. I tired, and failed, to get on a trip today so instead we're taking it pretty easy having drunk all that beer (followed by another meal at the Casino and some apres-grub activity) last night. Hoopy's still in bed (very forgivable, it was gone 04:00 when he went to sleep!) and I've spent the morning doing odds and sods like postcards and buying his birthday present. Tonight, we're off to Dracula's, a themed restaurant which one enters by ghost train prior to dining whilst being entertained by "talented performers sinking their teeth into a bevy of highly visual, sexy and at times insane acts, including The Human Serpent Woman, Killer Clowns escape illusion, Black Art Puppets from the womb, Musical Instrument mime and The Trapese act from hell. All set to a rockin' song list with a sinister 'carnie' sideshow spin."

Should be a larf, eh?

Tomorrow, our last in Melbourne (thank fuck - we still have no affinity for the place whatsoever!), we're off to do the Great Ocean Road Adventure, an escorted trip taking in Geelong, Bell's Beach (home of the world surfing championships), the twelve apostles and, it says here, the tragic story of the Loch Ard.

A bit blue-rinse brigade for us possibly, but it'll be nice to let someone else take charge of the day's events and will keep us out of the pub - a good thing as we have to be up at sparrow's fart on Saturday to get our flight up to Sydney. Looks like the 5th-8th of January is my window for a final adventure away from pre-planned cricket and ancillary activities. A return to Tasmania is still a pissoboloty, as are visits to Uluru, the Barrier Reef, Canberra or Darwin. Or I may run out of money and do nothing. Who knows? Maybe God. ;-)

Almost, nearly, very close, but not quite

Boxing day test. Melbourne. 2006. Attendance 89,150 - just a little short of the record of 90,800 when the West Indies played here in '61. I suspect a lot of half-interested locals decided to stay put at home, given that it's still bloody cold and wet here. The lowest Christmas temperatures since 1935, Hoopy discovered. It is, of course, scheduled to improve by ten degrees the day after we leave.

Still, we did witness three milestones - Shane Warne took his 700th test wicket (Strauss), Kevin Pietersen reached 2000 test runs and it's the 100th test match at the MCG. Shame Pietersen's runs weren't all in one innings, as once again (for the bloody third time this series) we've been knocked over by the Aussies for 150-odd.

Hoopy is absolutely convinced, and I'm inclined to agree with him, that Rudi Koertzen has a grudge against the English. Another shocking decision yesterday against us, then two appeals against Australia go unrewarded. Probably another bloody colonial with a chip on his shoulder, though one would image his angst being with the Dutch rather than the British, what with him being South African with a name like Koertzen? Guess we're the closest European team that plays test cricket.

Christmas Day didn't improve much. I finished my washing, Hoopy did his then we both crashed and watched Simpsons for an hour or so. Deciding that probably wasn't the most productive way to spend our time, we wandered down to the casino for Christmas dinner - scallops, roast turkey and all the trimmings - though Hoopy moaned about the lack of sprouts. Strange boy. Sadly, it didn't prove event-changing in any other respect and after a couple of hours we wandered back to the hotel and spent another 5 or 6 hours with Bart et al.

Laugh of the day yesterday came courtesy of a Chubb (who also happened to be chubby) security guard at the ground. When I asked him if he knew if the attendance record had been broken or not, he simply replied "don't know mate. There sure do seem like a lot of folk here though. Who's playing?"

Aarrggghhhhh.

So, cricket remains as shit as ever, but like I said to Hoopy, we must take the positives out of the trip. He asked me what they were and I explained that coming second was a good achievement (one extremely well rewarded, in my experience, if you can manage it in the bedroom) and it was the taking part that mattered. Cobblers, obviously.

One good thing - I've lost some weight on this trip. I know this as my trousers keep falling down. It's either down to weight loss or a natural trouser reaction to the multitude of scantily-clad totty there is about the place. Though thinking about it, that can't be the reason here in Melbourne because it's cold, wet and generally shit. Had I mentioned that before? ;-)

I'm doing a day trip tomorrow (Thursday), which will just leave Friday here, which also happens to be Hoopy's birthday - send emergency messages of glad tiding (or women) to the Hotel Y on Elizabeth Street, Melbourne. Fax number +61 3 9329 1469, room 405.

We have a few spare days in Sydney and I'm seriously considering going back to Tasmania. We'll see.

Time to wander down to the MCG for day two and see if we can knock these Aussies over.

There and back

I'm back in Melbourne. It's 10am on Christmas Day [good tidings to those of you who give a toss ;-)] and I have absolutely nothing better to do than this. What a life. As it happens, I'm being extremely sad and catching up on my washing at the same time - the hotel laundry being located slap bang next to the Internet PC's. Hoopy's still asleep after rolling in from the Casino (drinking, not gambling, I hasten to add) around 03:00. I couldn't hack the pace and was back in bed by 01:00 - mind you, I had been up since 06:30. I suppose I could always do what an old friend of Ali's did once and blame the Jet Lag - on a one hour flight in the same time zone. Mmmm.

Tasmania was just fantastic. My favourite place so far by a long way. After leaving Scottsdale on Thursday, I headed over to the North East coast and hung around St Helens for a few hours, popping back inland to Pyengana in the evening where I spent the night (and shared several gallons of ale with locals & visitors alike) at the internationally known Pub In The Paddock. What a great place! Beer drinking pigs and everything - and no, that's not a colloquial description of the resident Australian males.

That's the bar above. I've finally got somewhere where I can upload pictures from, though rather than include too many in these postings I'll probably whack 'em up somewhere else and link to them. Anne, Peter and Irene were exceptional hosts and I even got the chance to play good Samaritan, as four cyclists turned up - one with a broken bike - who ended up staying the night so I could give the guy a ride into town the following morning.

Friday I went back over to the NE coast for a few hours, then headed south (passing some very badly fire damaged forests and massive walnut plantations along the way) to overnight at the Island View motel in Orford. And what a view! Maria Island directly in front with a cracking view across Prosser Bay right from my room. Quite possibly one of the best views you'd ever get from a bedroom window (looking outwards, at least!). Spent an hour or so wandering around Triabunna as well - a neat little town that seems to have pretty much everything you'd need.

Saturday I headed off down to Franklin to meet up with John, Marguerite and Thomas Sturm. Stopping en-route to purchase beverages and flowers, I had a good laugh upon discovering that Huonville's florist shop also doubled up as the store where one could purchase toys for adult entertainment. Quite bizarre.

We had a fun day, centered around food, drink and good conversation. A nice way to finish my time in Tasmania, which was definately too short. I want to go back now!

By contrast, from what I've seen of Melbourne so far, you can keep it. It's grey, dirty and much like any sprawling city anywhere in the world. There are redeeming factors - some of the architecture is most impressive and the South Bank has some nice bars and restaurants, but "downtown" is, er, horrible. Of course, that's purely my opinion so far (Hoopy's too as it happens) and your mileage may vary. To be honest, once tomorrow's out of the way (Boxing Day at the MCG, should be the best atmosphere we'll ever experience at a cricket match), I'd be happy to do something else, somewhere else, before we head to Sydney on Friday.

Whilst I was having all that fun in Tasmania, back in Melbourne poor Hoopy wasn't feeling too good and spent most of Friday in bed. He did manage to get out and about most of the time though, getting a book signed by Shane Warne at a local store on Thursday, visiting the museum yesterday and discovering that unlike everywhere else we've been to in Australia so far, Victoria still allows smoking indoors. Yep, we both are again. Sometimes. However, unlike everywhere else in Australia, Victoria does not seem to allow the publication of advertisments for licenced brothels in it's newspapers, which has rather taken the fun out of that particular daily ritual.

Now it's time for me to go hang up the washing that can't go in the dryer. Boy I know how to live.

Broken Wings

I've arrived in Tasmania, after not nearly enough sleep.

Qantas kept us on the ground at Perth for an extra 3.5 hours yesterday due to a broken aeroplane. What made it a whole lot worse that we were actually on the bloody thing (and had pushed back away from the stand) when the problem was discovered. So, we had to go back to the gate, get back off the plane and sit around for a couple of hours whilst the correct engineer/screwdriver combination could be found to do the requesite fettling. We eventually got into Melbourne about 22:30 and it was well after 01:00 when I took to my bed. Suffice to say I was not overly enamoured when the alarm went off at 05:00 for me to go back to the airport.

By the good grace of the airplane God though, no problems with the JetStar service into Launceston (pronounced 'lawn-cess-ten' and not 'launce-ton' as we do for the one 10 miles down the road at home) this morning. I'm presently in Scottsdale and about to head over the the east coast to explore for a couple of days, prior to making my way down South (and a beer or six with John Sturm) on Saturday.

My couple of hours here so far remind me of Devon. I had to pull half an hour ago and pull my jeans on instead of shorts and now there's some funny wet stuff falling out of the sky, the likes of which I haven't seen for at least 6 weeks. To be honest, I actually don't mind. It's nice to be cool again after the oppressive humidity we had for the last couple of days in Perth.

Hoopy's mission in Melbourne whilst I'm over here is to locate a venue for Christmas dinner. I suspect he may manage to locate a bar or two as well, so the pool championship can continue. Wasn't such a good session for me on Tuesday night - Hoopy raced into a 1 rack lead at 36-35.

Move along...

Nothing much to see here. This will be the last update from Perth - we're off to Melbourne tomorrow morning.

Relaxing afternoon letting other people take the strain whilst we sat and drank wine and ate food on a Swan River lunch cruise. Very civilised.

Not content with winning the test series yesterday, Western Australia has also hijacked the real Ashes urn, so we went along to the museum this morning to make sure the cheating bastards were looking after it properly. It seems fine and as I'm fond of telling the Australians we meet, even though they may have "won" it, it'll be on its way back to Lord's soon enough. It's always kept in England, you know.

We experienced the excellent public transport again yesterday morning as we made our way via taxi, train and bus over to AQWA - the West Australian aquarium over at Sorrento. Very good it was too - though I wasn't too keen on the sausages in the cafe :-(

Finally, you'll all be delighted to hear that I've stormed into a massive 2 rack lead in our pool tournament. We've played 68 games in total now and the score's sitting at 35-33. Doubtless Hoopy will sort that later.

Farewell, Perth.

Laugh

Had a good laugh when Ali phoned from UKLand the other night -- apparently there's rumours doing the rounds in the village that a) she was extremely drunk when she passed out and hit her face on the floor in Maslin Beach (she wasn't, unless you count a couple of glasses of wine the day before and then sleeping for 7 hours, in which case yep, she was totally arseholed) and b) that it cost 3,000 (yep, three thousand!) of your British Pounds to have them fixed (it didn't -- the cost was less than my new camera).

How on earth do these things start? Oh wait, I think I might know. Is it because some people just don't have a life?

Those who need to already know the history here and the rest can piss off. Perhaps if their mouths were surgically modified to be the same size as their minds the human race could begin to make some progress eh? Made for a bit of light entertainment, I suppose.

For those of you kind enough to ask, by the way, she's doing fine.

Speaking of a good laugh, we went to see Kevin Bloody Wilson (http://www.kevinbloodywilson.com/) last night at the Burswood Theatre. What a laugh! Plenty of new material mixed in amongst the old favourites. My personal favourites were "You can't say c*^t in Canada" and DILLIGAF. Vietnam vets and KBW fans will know all about that...

They say you learn something every day, don't they? I have learned many things since being in Australia, some of which I hereby offer up for your delectation and delight:

1. pieLINK Internet kiosks are crap. I've used three now, so accept the fact that I know what I'm talking about. For a start, they have a horrible membrane keyboard, upon which it is impossible to touch-type and rather whisks one back to the days of the ZX Spectrum. Secondly, they feature a buit-n rackall (that's supposed to have been "built-in trackball" - see what I mean about the keyboard?) of the type normally offered up only to heavily disabled people who lean at 15 degrees to the right, are comfortable sitting with their right breast touching the back of their left knee cap and have really, really small hands. Finally, gasp, they disallow access to this blog "due to the nature of its content". Whatever could they mean? Fortunately, Google being Google had this problem solved us even before we knew it existed, by allowing one to post via email. So, pieLINK, all I have to say to you is go forth and receive fornication post haste. The only positive things I have to say about your product is that they are cheap to use (or at least would be were it not necessary to TYPE EVERYTHING THREE FUCKING TIMES) and they make a really satisfying "thud" noise when you kick them really, really hard.

2. With the exception of here in WA, Cricket Australia will insist on flying the Union flag and not the flag of St George for our cricket team. And boys, if you *must* do that, don't call it "Jack". That's only allowed when it's flown on a ship. Imbeciles.

3. Speaking of Cricket Australia cock-ups, they keep playing bloody "Sweet Chariot" when English batsmen / fielders come onto the pitch. Can somebody please tell them that's a FUCKING RUGBY SONG? Grrrr...

It's been an interesting last few days. We've been to the Brass Monkey (it wasn't) and Lucky Shag (we didn't) bars -- the latter being the Perth base for the Barmy Army. Right on the waterfront in 38 degree heat and packed to the rafters with women preferring clothing of the minuscule variety. Bloody marvellous!

I abandoned Hoops yesterday (Saturday) and took myself off to Rottnest Island (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rottnest_Island) for the day. What a great place! Even got to see a real life Quokker - which worldwide exist only on Rottnest and one other place in Western Australia.

I've finally sorted my trip to Tasmina - Hoopy and I get into Melbourne next Wednesday evening with me then leaving him there first thing Thursday to go to Tas. I'm going to spend three nights over there and will be spending some, or perhaps a little less or more, of that time with the erstwhile Mr Sturm (www.sturmsoft.com), formerly of the Daynotes parish downing a few beers (or whatever else he drinks). I'm really looking forward to that. His daynotes pages were most enjoyable - so nice to have something to read sometimes that actually makes you think. You would find none of this inane drivel on Mr Sturm's site - at least not very often ;-).

Sadly, inane drivel is all I have (if you discard the dashing good looks, toned torso, high intelligence and fantastic sense of humour of course), so if that's not good enough stretch your mind and go read John's old stuff.

So many questions about tattoos in email and comments - you all really need to get a life rather than wondering about ours - but I suppose I should answer them. Yes, we all had them. Ali has a dolphin on her shoulder, Hoopy has a horse's head and Chinese symbol for year of the horse on his upper arm and I've got a no entry sign on my arse in case I ever go to prison.

Actually, that last one was a lie. Mind your own business.

And to bring you slap bang up to date, we've just booked our Sydney Bridge walk (http://www.bridgeclimb.com/). January 11th. Dusk. Cool!

Hoops left me in the Internet cafe about half an hour ago to go grab a pint and it's high time I went and found him. Incredibly, we've still not played a single game of pool since being in Australia (1 month and one day yesterday - which means we're officially over half way now... sigh..) but as he's going to be a couple of beers ahead of me, perhaps I'll suggest we put that right today.

See - not quite so green as I'm cabbage looking after all, am I?

WA

We're here in sunny Western Australia.

Uneventful flight into Perth following nonsense at Adelaide airport where the Cafe stops serving breakfast at 10:00. How fucking stupid is that? Oh well, not the first time we've had junk for the first meal of the day.

The Emerald hotel is OK - our room has a shit view (of a brick wall), but the shower is powerful and they had Postman Pat on the TV so mustn't grumble really.

Today Hoops & I have ventured down the Fremantle - nice place. We've done the prison and the maritime and motor museums.

Ali's just text to say that her and the boys are on the ground in London, so I guess for them the holiday really is over.

Third Test starts tomorrow, so it's going to be cricket, cricket, cricket again for a few days.

Five to Two

INTERNET ACCESS has been awkward over the past few days, so apologies for those who've been waiting for replies to email or, more importantly, for me to do some work. It should all be done now... ;-)

It's been a mixed few days to say the least - Friday we spent doing not very much in McLaren Vale (the premier region for wine production in South Australia) during the day, followed by the Bond film in the evening. We did all manage to fit in an hours' swimming in the sea which was a great way to cool off and get a tan at the same time!

Saturday was the Dolphin swimming off Glenelg. Pretty good, though both Hoopy and myself gave up after the first swim and spent the rest of the time watching from the deck, where it was much easier to see them for long periods of time. Ali, Mike & Chaz went in for almost every swim and Charlie got to touch one (albeit with his foot), so he was a very happy bunny. It was the hottest day in South Australia, reaching 43 degrees at our house. A photograph of the thermometer will shortly be winging it's way home, just to piss everyone off.

Yesterday drove me to despair - Ali & Hoops had their parachute jump booked for 4.30pm, so we did bugger all in the morning as we had to leave at 2 for that. We got to the airfield a little after 4 only to be told that they couldn't jump and would have to re-arrange for today as the heat and lack of wind meant that their little airplane (a Cessna 6-2-something, if memory serves) was running like a snail and they wouldn't get to Ali & Hoopy until after dark. So it got to 6pm and all we'd done all day was precisely sod all! Fortunately, we did salvage something of the day by happening across Strathalbyn on the way home - a nice little town, with an amazing old tree and millions of cockatoos in the park, followed by dinner in Port Noarlunga.

As for today, it's Xmas! As Ali & the boys leave tomorrow, heading back home to drizzly Devon from the sunny Australasian continent leaving Hoops & I to watch England's cricketers suffer at the hands of the Aussies for another month, we're having our Dec 25th early. It is going to be, by far, the longest Christmas day on record. We've been up since 04:30, Ali & Hoops have done their skydive (thus rendering my final chance of a life insurance claim against her useless...) and we've all just been tattooed. That's tickling a bit, but not nearly as much as I expected it to. Now we have to go shopping for presents and Xmas dinner, which I think is going to be fresh fish on the barbecue.

We've taken about 450 photographs so far, so there's a lot of people back home in for some *very* boring evenings . Mind you, now that Ali & the boys are going, that snap-rate is likely to plummet as I suspect Hoopy and I will start spending a little (or slightly more) time in licensed premises, if only to continue the Pool competition we started in the UK before we left. We're presently 19-all, so we're both out for early blood. Look out Perth - we're on our way!

I've really enjoyed Adelaide and southern South Australia and definitely intend on returning sometime to explore further. Can't speak for the others, but it just seems more "comfortable" to me than southern Queensland, whatever that means.

Adelaide

After being extremely busy people for the past 3 weeks, we thought it would be nice to let someone else entertain us today and had planned on a bus tour of the city.

Of course, this being Lemmings & Hooper on tour, nothing went according to plan and we ended up in the city at 2pm (thus missing the last tour bus), rather than the 10am we had planned.

Many things came out of the delay though - we booked for all of us to go see the new James Bond movie tomorrow night (cool) and then get a boat out from Glenelg early on Saturday and swim with Dolphins (ultra cool). Ali & Hoopy have also arranged their skydive for Sunday (ultra stupid).

Oh yes, and the three eldest (I'll stop short of saying 'grown-ups') amongst us are all booked in to have tattoos on Monday morning...

Ali & the boys fly back to UKLand on Tuesday as Hoops and I march on to Perth, so we're going to have Christmas Day on Monday afternoon. We each have $10 to purchase a present for one other person - names drawn out of a cup this morning. I've got an easy one...

The day after

DOWN AT Victor Harbor today, with real, live dolphins swimming in the bay - very neat!

Bloody good job today's worked out so well, as the past 24 hours have not been great. 3:30 Tuesday morning Ali passed out and smacked her head on the marble floor at the house, breaking three front teeth in the process (ouch!), so we spent most of yesterday finding then attending a dentist for running repairs. Fortunately, they've been able to repair them very well and you'd struggle to tell that anything had happened; or at least, you will once her non-collagen injected top lip has shrunk back to normal size in a few days. She's still feeling a bit groggy but seems mostly OK in herself.

I'm told that Hoopy & I are not helping the recovery on the grounds that we keep making her laugh and the fact that I'm getting a bollocking would seem to suggest that normal service is not far from resumption ;-). The dentist seems to agree with our theory based on recent events that she has extremely low blood pressure, so that needs checking out back in UKLand - if nothing else, we can't afford for her to keep breaking herself!

And then, of course, England manage their age-old trick of snatching defeat from the jaws of a draw (if not victory) and go and lose the second Test. So now we're two down with three to play. Sigh.

Advice of the day comes courtesy of Hoopy on the way down here in the car - we were talking about travel sickness and apparantly, if you sit on a newspaper, you don't get car sick. No, he doesn't know why either, but it was his parents' guidance and has always worked for him...

We're halfway through our time in Adelaide now. This trip is going by waaaayyy too fast. Next stop Perth on the 12th.

Rescue Mission

IN KEEPING with my new "Superman" image (OK, OK, it's just a T-Shirt I picked up at Warner Brothers in Queensland), I was called to my first rescue mission yesterday when the Pedlo that Mike and Chaz took out onto the river in Adelaide city park had an unfortunate coming together with a buoy and got stuck in the middle, refusing to do anything other than float aimlessly downstream (much like myself at times). Anyhow, no sooner did they wave to attract attention than I ripped open my shirt, lept majestically into another boat, powered out at the speed of light (it was sooooo fast, it looked really slow, just like Steve Austin used to in the Six Million Dollar Man) and retrieved the lads. Don't think the concession owner was too happy, but hey.

I'VE COCKED UP. I left the charger for my Fuji F30 camera back in the UK and have now spent most of the day trapsing round Adelaide looking for either a replacement power pack or some sort of universal battery charger with no success. So, taking the path of least resistance, I'm about to do what any normal, sane, millionaire would and buy another camera...

ACTUALLLY, it's not that I'm buying a new camera for the hell of it - I've actually located a (very) slimline put-it-in-your-pocket-and-take-it-everywhere model that first caught my eye in the UK when it came out a year or so ago for Australian $289, which is only 115 pounds and therefore half price of what I can buy it for in the UK. A bargain. One can never have too many cameras.

THE CRICKET looks certain to be a draw, so probably a day away from the Oval (for Mike and I, at least) tomorrow. Looking forward to catching a few rays and not doing very much. It's actually been *cold* here the last couple of days thanks to a very strong wind. I shall, of course, be complaining to the appropriate authorities in due course. As Catherine Tate's character might say, "11,000 miles and they choose to keep it cold and grey - what a fucking liberty!"

AND I keep forgetting to mention that Hoopy bumped into a mate of his as we were sauntering through the Kangaroo enclosure at Australia Zoo last week. Is no place in this world safe?